Wiretapping: Does Santa (Or Bush) know if you are Naughty or Nice?

Dear Mr. Prez:

If you are listening. I would like to tell you what I talk about on the phone so you wont bother wiretapping me. I mean there is no point to getting all Nixon on me and every thing. Because honestly you would be bored, I think. Here are the top ten things I talk about on the phone.
In no particular order.

1. Britney and Kevin: Will they or won't they stay together? I mean its serious busniss. Will they end up the the way that Nick and Jessica did? I mean honestly if you ask me Mr. President, I think Britney should kick him to the curb. But you can't account for bad taste, or as my grandmother would say "Trashy is as Trasy Does"

2.How Cute my god(ess) son Charlie is. Now that is something that is truly uninteresting except to a few people. He is really cute by the way. I can assure you he will never vote for you. Especially, since you will never let his mothers legally marry. If you do listen to the "Charlie" convesations, I am going to warn you, you you might learn of the terrible dog poop incident that left both him and one of his mothers covered in the stuff. I am guessing you don't want to hear about this unless you have a thing for poo that is.

3. What boys I am dating. NOW. Mr President. Do you have time on your hands to really be interested in this subject? I mean I am no where close to being someone like Jennifer Aniston. I mean I honestly dont even write about who I am seeing on my blog.

4. GOSSIP: Who my friends and family are dating, who is getting married, who is getting divorced, having babies, dating younger men, who died, who got a STD. All of these things are sort of interesting if you actually know the people. But honestly, Mr. President do you really care if one of my friends did too many tequila shots and then up-chucked in her purse while she was in the drive-thru at McDonalds? I mean perhaps you can identify. But dont you have something else to do? Like, perhaps you could actually read all those PDBs or something?

5. The last film, (whichever that one is) I saw at the Castro Movie Theatre. Its an awesome movie theatre and they show such great films. And they have a guy who wears a suit who comes out and plays the organ between features. But something tells me you wont be going to the Gay neighborhood to take in the new print of Roman Polanskis, Repulsion. Something tells me that you dont like Gay people very much, except for one or two of your close presidential advisors.

6.Angelina Jolie's tiny Cambodian army.

7. How My brother Ben is having a terrible time giving benefits (He is working for Americorps, btw) to all of those people in the Gulf Coast you keep trying to make us forget about. I have to tell you, Mr President, that for this you should be really ashamed of your self. I mean how dare you continue to let people starve and remain homeless? I know that you are pretty sure they did not vote for you or contribute to your campaign. But since you are our fearless leader and you should take care of your people, you relly should be doing more than running a crappy relief effort and and even crappier PR campaign. This isnt about winning votes, its about helping people. Also, as I remember, partially because you shove it down my throat at naseum, that you are a christian and this is Christmas. It is the season of giving.

8. The West Wing, Pretty much only with my brother Ben, who is a huge fan. RIP John Spencer. But Mr. President, I have to say, I know I am not the first, but I actually prefer the TV president.

9. How cute we think the following Actors are: George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Owen and Luke Wilson, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger. I am sure there are more. The list changes, but Clooney and Depp are always there.

10. In general Mr. President, one of the biggest things that I talk about on my phone with my friends and family is the fact that we all think you are doing a piss poor job of running this country. And the fact that you are spying on us makes it worse. I mean I am not a terrorist and none of my friends are. But Since we still live in the United States, and we are still allowed to speak out against our government, I wish you would stop spying on all of us. We shouldn't be paranoid that something we say might be overheard and we would end up incarcerated or worse, given your views on torture. It is not appreciated. Please stop.


Sincerely,
g